College "Burger Joint" Conversations From Around The Nation

MIT: "I had a nervous breakdown this weekend."

"Have some fries."

Caltech:"I had three nervous breakdowns this weekend."

"Have some fries."

Yale: "I got mugged on the way to class today."

"Have some fries."

Swarthmore: "I got a B."

"Anywhere else it would have been an A. Have some fries."

Stanford: "Dude, I got a B."

"Chill dude. Anywhere else it would have been a C. Have some fries."

Princeton: "My father took away my porsche this weekend."

"Poor dear. Have some escargot."

Harvard: "Did you do anything this weekend?"

"Nope. Have some fries."

Wesleyan: "I thought I aced my gov't mid-term, but only got 95% politically correct."

"Sorry, friend, just don't fuck up again. Have a condom."

Brown: "I got a nose ring this weekend, Professor Smith."

"Cool! Me too! Have some fries."

Williams:"Don't I know you?"

"Of course you do, silly. Have some fries."

Cornell: "I killed my lab partner this weekend."

"Bummer. Have some fries."

Vassar: "I'm so stressed and by the way, I'm gay."

"Ditto. Have some fries."

Columbia:"I wish that I could be eating these fries at a better school."

"Me too. Let's go get shot."

Penn: "I wish that I could be eating these fries at a better school."

"Me too. Let's transfer to Columbia."

Dartmouth:"Oh, man, I got so trashed this weekend. It was fuckin' awesome."

"Have some beer."

Smith:"God I'm desperate."

"Me too. Have some fries."

Tufts:"I wish I were Ivy league."

"Here drink the fry grease."

Bucknell: "Oh my God, I spilled beer all over my J.Crew catalog."

"Here, look through mine. Have a Bison Burger."

Boston College: "Huh, huh. It's cool being a rich idiot."

"Yeah, yeah, have some fries."

Emory: "You hear Duke won the NCAA basketball tournament?"

"Listen dickhead - I told you NEVER to mention Duke - EVER!, give me a coke."

Johns Hopkins: "I killed everyone in my orgo class this weekend."

"Bummer. Have some fries."

U. of Florida: "I hear another tourist got shot."

"Yeah, sucks. Have another Bean Burrito."

Georgetown: "I've got five mid-terms tomorrow."

"Yeah, me too. Let's finish this keg and go laugh at the American U. students."

Univ. Colorado, Boulder: "I O.D'd on Ecstasy last night."

"Bummer. Pass the Ecstasy."

William & Mary: "Damn, I wish I didn't have to wear this stupid colonial outfit."

"Me too. Pass the glass-blowing equipment."

U.S. Naval Academy: "Sure wish I had last year's final engineering exam."

"No kidding. Pass this year's final engineering exam."

Carnegie Mellon U.: "I sure wish we had some women here."

"What are women? Have some vivarin."