Fifty Things To Do To A Bagger On A Sleeping Bag Weekend

Sleeping Bag Weekend is something CMU (Carnegie-Mellon University) does where high school students come visit college students. It's a chance for them to preview life in college, while giving the host students a chance to torment or pick up the innocent wide-eyed youngsters. (This is how I met my fiancée, actually.)

  1. Don't talk to him/her the whole weekend.
  2. Have them sit in your room. Leave for the whole weekend and don't come back.
  3. Wear nothing but black.
  4. Wear nothing but socks.
  5. Stock your room with the chunky variety of peanut butter. Offer it constantly to the bagger. If they turn you down, ask them if they're one of those wussies that only likes the creamy kind.
  6. Communicate with your roommate by yelling.
  7. Don't communicate at all.
  8. Sleep in the same bed with your roommate and offer the other bed to the bagger. Tell them, "We never use it anyway."
  9. Remove all light sources from your room.
  10. Have one roommate act totally retarded and have to rely on the other roommate for support.
  11. Talk constantly of sodomizing children.
  12. Whenever you listen to music, have your roommate play another radio at the same time. Listen to totally different kinds of music.
  13. Handcuff bagger to a chair.
  14. Take bagger on a tour of campus. After tour, settle down for ten minutes. Take bagger on another tour of campus. Settle down for ten minutes. Take another tour. Do this until you or the bagger collapses from exhaustion.
  15. Have other people on the hall mob your room, looking for the bagger and demanding a sacrifice to Satan. Save the bagger's life.
  16. Show the bagger college catalogs from colleges other than CMU. If they ask about it, say "wait a minute, isn't this [name of university]?"
  17. When bagger arrives, grab them and throw them into your room. Barricade the door with beds/furniture. Tell bagger that those damn zombies aren't gonna eats YOUR brains anytime soon.
  18. Offer to let bagger paint your body.
  19. Lick everything in the room, including the bagger.
  20. Have you and your roommate talk about the bagger like they aren't there.
  21. Insist on frisking the bagger whenever they enter your room. Tell them, "you can't be too safe."
  22. Take the bagger down to computer clusters. Tell them the singles scene there is really happening.
  23. Pretend to care for your roommate and explain to bagger that they just got over electrolysis.
  24. Have roommate tell you a bedtime story. In the middle of the night, wake up screaming and claiming that the story characters were trying to eat you.
  25. Hold a pen/pencil/paintbrush in your hands at all times. Communicate with others through it like its a microphone.
  26. Tie bagger down naked on floor. Stand over them with candle and match threatening to drip hot wax on their nipples.
  27. Have you and you roommate pretend to be a married couple. Get into a spat over little things like leaving the toilet seat up.
  28. Change clothes with your roommate every twenty minutes. Offer to let bagger join in.
  29. Develop multiple personalities.
  30. Ask the bagger if they want to be referred to as MR. or MRS. Bagger.
  31. Treat the bagger like they are eight or younger.
  32. In winter, leave windows open and turn a fan on. Tell the bagger that the problem with CMU is that the rooms are a little chilly.
  33. Complain that no one else at CMU likes to eat human flesh.
  34. Spend the whole weekend arguing with your roommate over that old "less filling/tastes great" thing.
  35. Get all your friends/classmates to sleep in your room. Tell bagger that the dorms here are a little bit crowded.
  36. Pretend the bagger is an old friend. Ask them if they remember the time when you two were on the freeway chase with the cops.
  37. Speak in slow motion.
  38. Insist on counting the bagger's fingers and toes. Repeatedly come up with the number twenty-one.
  39. Immediately take pants down when introducing yourself.
  40. Blow nose as many times as possible. Tell bagger to take empty Kleenex boxes back as souvenirs.
  41. Wear all clothing inside-out.
  42. Pray to electronic appliances around the room.
  43. Memorize the Gettysburg Address. Repeat as often as possible.
  44. Whenever you are walking with the bagger and they step in front of you, slap them and say, " What the hell do you think you're doing?"
  45. Pretend to know EVERYONE on campus.
  46. Take him to seventh floor of Warner Hall. Insist that they meet Bob.
  47. Get on a PAT bus and stay there until you get kicked off.
  48. Trip over everything in the room.
  49. Act drunk/stoned the whole weekend. Repeatedly rub against bagger and purr like a cat.
  50. Continuously play with a lighter and tell the bagger about the "Official bagger initiation".

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