To: All
Subject: Apology
AN APOLOGY by Jeff Glatt
--------------------------
I'm leaving this message because I think that I owe everyone in the BBS
community an apology for my appallingly bad behavior these past few years.
During this period, I've unfairly subjected many of you to extremely vile,
inexcusably antagonistic attacks the likes of which have not been seen
since Jimmy Swaggart accused Jim Bakker of stealing his whores. I wish to
make amends for my past BBS transgressions by humbly apologising to each
person whom I've offended, and asking for your forgiveness. I can't make
excuses for my behavior other than saying that if I hadn't bought an amiga,
I might not have been prone to such vicious and juvenile outbursts. That's
what Mark Gross says, and I should have had the sense to listen to what he
was trying to say, but on a BBS, the only option I had was to read what he
was trying to say. I should have tried harder to read those posts, and I'm
sorry that I didn't.
I'm sorry that I said all of those awful things about John Talerico. He
really was quite tolerant to put up with me for those two weeks before he
arbitrarily yanked my account on the Dead Zone. How many sysops would have
even given a notorious "art critic" an account, especially on a BBS that
did not condone art criticism (except when issued by a local college
instructor who invented the museum)?
I'm also sorry that I made disgracefully rude comments about Rich
Wielgosz. Rich never deserved to be treated with such barbaric ruthlessness
except for when he paid for it. Not only were my slanderous remarks untrue,
they were actually part of a surreptitious conspiracy organized by myself,
members of the White House, and several dwarfs from the original cast of
"The Wizard of Oz". I wish to publically admit and seek forgiveness for my
participation in a dastardly plot whereby we sought to have the tip of his
pool stick fitted with a SCUD warhead.
I regret suggesting that Nancy Wielgosz and I had a prolonged,
adulterous affair prompted by her lack of satisfaction with her husband. In
fact, we only had a brief fling, and she frankly admitted that her husband
was every bit as good as me. On a "related" note, I'm sorry that I said
that Jan and Nancy were blood relatives. There is nothing incestuous about
their relationship since Nancy has never been with Rich and Jan
simultaneously. It was wrong of me to suggest otherwise.
My posts about Pat Fish being an incompetent, toady, mentally unstable
misfit were way off base. Although that may have been true prior to his
shock therapy, he has since become a capable manager of that BBS that
crashes every Tuesday. It's not his fault that his equipment doesn't work
properly. And besides the problems with his new brain, the BBS setup isn't
up to snuff either. It was extremely rude of me to blame him for his BBS
troubles, and I'm sorry that I did.
I'm sorry that I ridiculed David Pier because he wanted some free
software that would rewrite the Amiga operating system (as well as redesign
the drive hardware itself) to read Yamaha DX7 floppy disks. I should have
known that this is what he wanted initially instead of wearing down his
patience with foolish suggestions that he stick with a particular PD
utility. I shouldn't have expected a user to be familiar with such esoteric
technical considerations, even if he was a teen jazz musician. I'm sorry
that I said that if someone drew two lines perpendicular to the corners of
his mouth, he would be a dead ringer for Howdy Doody. Howdy Doody was much
shorter, and maybe a little less butch.
I truly regret posting nasty remarks directed toward Toby Levy. I wish
that I had been more gracious in accepting his private mail correspondance.
I've been having bouts of insomnia lately.
I very much regret associating with Jim Fiore and Walt Brisk. They are
both hideously despicable people with no morals whatsoever. Without a
doubt, both are going to hell, which in Walt's case is somewhat redundant
being that he's an MS-DOS user and consequently has already experienced
hell.
I'm sorry that I claimed that Bill Ganey would never learn how to play
the piano, or program a computer. Bill could do either if he wanted to. He
just doesn't want to, but he could if he wanted to want to do either.
I should never have said those horrible, unflattering things about Matt
Inman. Even amoral, remorseless, self-serving software pirates deserve a
break (that is, when they're not breaking someone else's code).
What I did to Don Backman was unforgiveable. What his wife did to him
was even worse. Nevertheless, we both hope that he can find it in his heart
(and it will be a long search if one is looking for a part of the
circulatory system of an advanced species) to forgive us. We throw
ourselves on his mercy which is hopefully not still atop of the fire.
I'm also sorry that I posted heinous slander directed at Les Dodson.
Les is not affiliated with any organized crime outfit with the exception of
his job at the bank (and they aren't that organized anyway). It would be a
much better world if everyone could steal net feeds with Les' dedication
and civility.
I regret referring to Eric Sanger as a profanity-spewing incompetent.
Eric is not incompetent. In fact, if he were asked to describe the contents
of an unflushed toilet, he would be able to do so with appropriate verbal
dexterity. I also regret telling him that the gene pool from where he
emerged needs a little more chlorine and a new filter.
I apologise to Thom Brown for what I did to UC BBS. Before me, dozens
of folks used to discuss topics ranging from the use of plastic cooking
utensils at General Electric to the use of plastic cooking utensils at the
Observer Dispatch. If not for my unsolicited and unnecessarily brutish
comedy interruptions, UC would still be thriving with such vital dialogue.
I'm also sorry that I tormented Bill Raymond and his users. I really
taxed his system, more than even the IRS. It was wrong of me to say nasty
things about how obsolete, anti-productive, and unaccomodating are Intel
microprocessors and MS-DOS. How would you like it if someone said awful
things about your bed-ridden, comatose grandmother? I apologise to Art
Ritzel for making rude comments about his BOCES job. If not for him, who
would train the folks who ring up my purchases at the mall, or tell me that
the item that I want is back-ordered, not in stock, or discontinued? I also
apologise to Norma Bromwell for saying that she didn't know the first thing
about music. In fact, she knows both the first and the second thing about
music which are respectively:
1). An electric guitar doesn't have an AC cord attached to it.
2). A finger pick has nothing to do with one's nostrils.
I'm sorry that I was responsible for Chris Owens getting himself kicked
off of New Horizons. I shouldn't have been pulling on those strings in the
back.
I truly am sorry for causing Glenn Sekse's fine BBS to be associated
with my reprehensible, dastardly public harassment. Glenn would not even
have allowed me to have my own room if not for the blackmail photos of him
shooting out Niagra Mohawk transformer boxes in order to protect his job. I
wish to apologise to him, and absolve him of all blame for my numerous,
condescending, degrading posts with their common themes of suggesting that
everyone is an unaware buffoon. Most of the time, Glenn didn't even know
what I was doing.
I regret stating that Jesse Buckley's BBS is like a ghost town. There
are actually one or two callers logging in there, so a more accurate
description is that it's like the number of folks developing software to
run under OS/2.
It was wrong of me to characterize Alan Nolan as the mental equivalent
of a freeform hunting accident. The only thing that Alan is hunting for, is
some use for his liberal arts degree. I'm sorry that I suggested otherwise.
I'm sorry that I antagonized several MsgPort aides. They have a hard
enough job keeping the BBS up and running without having to constantly
delete my irritating posts, especially since none of these folks with the
cartoon names know what they are doing.
I regret saying that Chris Webster has a brain the size of a dehydrated
muffin. Everyone knows that Chris is not dehydrated; he has plenty of water
on the brain. It was wrong of me to be so argumentative with him, even
though I'm sure that he would disagree with me on this point.
There are many others whom I've offended, and to whom I wish to
apologise. Such folks include Chris Farley who, after my merciless
tormenting about the futility of trying to attain idealistically
-- more --ÿ{
impractical goals, ran off to join a buddhist sect of vegetarian democrats
who collect progressive rock recordings. I also wish to apologise to Paul
Lewin, whom I "saved" for last. I really have no friends except for Jim
Fiore, and he isn't much of a friend, is he? I'd like to say that I'm
extremely sorry, and I want you all to like me because that's really very
important to me. I no longer wish to be known as the Supreme Amiga Dinko.
I'd prefer to be known as:
The just-a-regular-guy, really nice, very well-liked BBS gentleman
I know that some of you don't believe that I'm sincere or modest enough
to kiss ass the way that everyone else does, but I'd like to prove that I
can if you would just drop your hostility to me along with your trousers.
From now on, Jim Fiore can be The Supreme Amiga Dinko. He's unrepentent
vermin, and he always did want that title anyway.
I'm a changed man (and I'm not referring to that operation that Daniel
Bronson had, either).
Finally, I'd like to apologise to anyone who might have been offended
by this apology. It's not my intention to provoke or annoy any of the
numerous, decent, intelligent, beautiful folks who use telecommunications
to enrich their lives or just download smutty pictures. I simply want to be
loved, because I really need that to overcome my feelings of inadequacy and
my need to control@Kfhers. I hope that you understand. (I'm not sure that I
really understood this pop psychology paperback, so I need your help.)
Please don't let me down, and remember, I can pay you if necessary.
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